The Problem with Moral Fences

The Problem with Moral Fences

I was sitting in staff meeting the other day and the senior pastor handed out a copy of the letter that Ted Haggard wrote to his former church apologizing for his moral failure. It was a sobering communication of guilt and shame. There was also a letter from Ted’s wife to the congregation that was text book evangelical, complete with a commitment to Ted, “till death do us part” and a challenge to follow her example.

After we discussed the letters, the senior pastor distributed a paper by another leader on moral fences and one more communiqué from a prominent mega-church pastor on maintaining moral purity. They were the typical lists of do’s and don’ts that everyone spouts about cross gender interactions and appropriate behavior.

The funny thing was that in Ted Haggards case, he did not violate the “rules” because they are all about opposite sex. Beyond that, most of the lists deal with married staff and in fact, one list specifically said that the rules of cross gender interactions only applied to married people. As if single people are not tempted sexually. Give me a break. So much of what is being addressed is appearance and perception.

The problem with rules and standards is that they only deal with the symptom and not the problem. And just like cold medicine, rules only mask the symptoms, but do not cure the disease. It’s time we started looking at the disease and what contributes to it.

As a former addict, I know that fences can be jumped and crawled under without ever moving them out of place. Rules can be followed to the letter and you can still “get away” wrong behavior. In fact, fences can become a challenge and a game to people who are bound by them.

The solution is not more rules. God himself said that the Ten Commandments were established to show us that we cannot do it on our own and that we all break the rules. The evangelical church puts so much weight on obedience and yet the moral failure rate continues to increase. Samuel nailed Saul in 1 Samuel 15 for going through the motions and missing the heart of the issue. And David, I am sure reflecting on that defining moment in history wrote in Psalm 51:16-17 “Going through the motions doesn't please you, a flawless performance is nothing to you. I learned God-worship when my pride was shattered. Heart-shattered lives ready for love don't for a moment escape God's notice. (The Message) Saul went through the motions to prepare for battle, but missed the heart of God…and lost his kingship. He lost relationship with his God and his people. He was thinking only of himself.

Whole, healthy relationships are the solution to the problem; first with God and then with people. We need vital, passionate connection with God, independent of ministry. And we need the same with people. People in healthy relationship with others don’t think only of themselves. Love is about being in relationship and putting others first. It’s about staying connected and in harmony with all of the vital relationships in your life; God, spouse, children, friends, co-workers, congregation, body of Christ. That means balancing the time spent in each of those relationships as well.

In our deacons meeting that night, we had the same discussion and at the end when we were praying for moral protection for the staff, one of the deacons prayed that the staff would stay busy with the ministry so they would not get into trouble. I know his heart was right, but that is part of the problem. Pastors get so busy with “the ministry” that they loose connection with God and people. Both areas of relationship begin to sag. Too much time with the people you serve causes resentment, which leads to relations division and the spiral begins.

I have told my leadership team that if they see anything in my behavior that looks like I am pulling back from relationship, to call me on it. I also have a responsibility to look at my own life and confess it if I see it. But I first have to be in relationship with these people so that they know what relational separation looks like, before they can call it. The same is true with my wife, my children and all of my relationships, God being foremost. I am passionate for God. When I start to feel selfish or undervalued, I can always see somewhere where I am not communicating well with the people around me or to God. Relational wholeness means putting others first and making your needs known as well. We need love also and when we don’t receive it, we begin to separate relationally to avoid the pain.

Relational division is the root of all evil, not money. It caused Adam to eat forbidden fruit. It made David commit adultery. It causes churches to crumble. We were never meant to live independent. We were created for community; intimate community. Until we stop pursuing mega empires and start developing genuine connections with people, we will continue to be stunned by yet another prominent “fall from grace.”

Will healthier relationships eradicate moral failure? Absolutely not! We are all imperfect and we all sin. But maybe we will stop putting people up on a precarious pedestal, destined for failure and start loving people into wholeness through genuine relationship with God and each other. Restoring to grace should always follow living by grace. Remember, its Gods kindness that leads us to repentance. (Rom 2:4)

Love doesn’t get us into trouble. Lust does. Fences cannot cage lust. It is an untamable bull. A caged angry beast is a recipe for disaster. But take that beast and show him genuine love and relationship through honest communication and vulnerability and you can set him free. Paul said, “It was for freedom that Christ set us free.” (Gal 5:1). Why return to slavery? Why put the yoke back on?

Show me a pastor, involved in healthy relationships, enjoying time with God, his family and others and I will show you a pastor far less likely to “jump the fence” than one driven to success, too busy for others, who’s needs don’t get genuinely met in whole relationships. Far too many leaders fall into the second category, than the first. People are far too important to let that continue.